Dispatches Prediction Robot 2003 Edition - - Predictions are pretty funny, what’s the worse that could happen? I’ll try my luck at predicting the world of 2003 right now…
Ten Prediction for 2003:
1.The current “axis of evil” (Iran, Iraq, and North Korea) will all be changed regimes by the end of the year. Iran by revolution and Iraq and North Korea by force. Bonus: Saddam’s Iraq will be exposed as the truly horrific place that everyone already believes. Sean Penn will return to see for himself.
2.A new “axis of evil,” AOE version 2.0, if you will, will be named and may include such “friendly” states as Syria, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan.
3.On day three or four of the war, either in Iraq or North Korea, journalists will use the word “quagmire” and talk about either the fierce North Korean or Iraqi winter, summer, fall, or spring or the dreaded mountains, lakes, rivers, dessert, or jungle or the training of the republican guard or North Korean army.
4.A new, unlikely, and as yet undeclared democratic candidate to face George W. Bush will emerge by the fall of 2003. John Kerry, John Edwards, and Howard Dean will all lose their luster. Al Sharpton will become a force to be reckoned with at a mere 3%. But as they say in Star Wars…there is another.
5.The Stock Markets will rebound nicely as concerns regarding war are resolved. Mainstays of US globalization (Disney, Coke, McDonald’s) will lead the pack.
6.In an attempt to bolster ratings news channel MSNBC will hire Mark Burnett, the man who brought us Survivor, to run day-to-day operations. He will hire Jesse Ventura, Richard Hatch, Bill Maher, Ann Coulter, Al Gore, Jesse Helms, Eminem, Howard Stern, and a slew of especially good looking local news people.
He will require them to compete in immunity challenges weekly, and then vote out the weak member of the ‘news’ team. Ratings soar, news coverage is kept at a minimum. As a consequence Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live will get a real news job. And Chris Matthews does surprisingly well yelling at them all. Fox News continues to lead the ratings.
7.US agents working around the globe will expose an Al Qaeda network just prior to them doing something terrible.
8.Bob Dole and Bill Clinton will make quick friends in the Senator’s spouse club.
9.And speaking of Bill Clinton, he will try to go to North Korea and get his very own Nobel Peace Prize, just like his buddy Jimmy. He won’t get nominated, and there will be a war to defuse the situation.
10.Rudy Giuliani will work his way into the hearts of the Bush administration positioning himself to run for something, anything, or getting appointed to something or anything. (Okay it is a safe bet, but Rudy is da man)